Updated: Jun 15, 2020
Sharing my story as a deeply introverted being in an extravert society, in hopes it might shed light on yours. The heightened love and pain of being sensitive in a desensitised culture.
If your reading as someone raised in a western culture like me, it's brave to acknowledge that you feel, because most of us are conditioned to ignore the fact. That feelings are weak and must be supressed. But without acknowledgment of feelings, what are we? In a way we might as well be dead...
Because if we supress all our pain, firstly, it gets trapped, stored, and sits in the background of our lives, vibrating away, spreading through our system and weighing us down instead of simply moving through, passing and leaving us clear and clean once more.
And secondly, we become overly controlling of our internal world. We project all importance onto the exterior and forget to feel the more pleasant feelings too!
When we supress the spontaneous arisings of pain and discomfort, we're also training ourselves to subconsciously supress the natural arisings of love, joy, peace and power.
There is so much exquisite beauty and love in the experience of simply being alive. In the world as it is and as you are. It's infinite. And the gift of sensitivity is the gift of sensing all that lays beneath the surface of our being. The immense lifeforce of consciousness itself, expressed in human form.
So fragile, I hid from it for most of my life. From people, crowds, business. I felt too much and I didn't understand it. I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt different. Alien. nction cohesively around masses of others doing the same. This is a slice of my story of not doing that.
I always felt too fragile for the world.
So fragile, I hid from it for most of my life. From people, crowds, business. I felt too much and I didnt understand it. I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt different. Alien.
At school, I was extremely quiet. I never had much to add to conversations. They were often dull and boring. But I was always watching, quietly observing.
The more I saw everyone fitting into all these moulds of how people are 'supposed to be', the more a sense of self-depreciation grew within me. I didn't know how to be like that. I didn't even know how to try. It felt wayyy too clumsy. So I retreated more and more. A handful of close friends made up for the lack of numbers, and I spent a lot of time writing, drawing, doing yoga, journaling; exploring my inner world through words, trying to understand, to heal. I spent time in nature, the ocean, hiding in toilet blocks when crowds felt too intense.
Nervousness. Anxiety, it could be called, but even that didn't define the feelings. My inner world felt so complex, like the whole world vibrating within the confines of my one tiny body.
I moved from the country to the city after high school to be an actress, for on stage I felt free. 'I' disappeared, and I could express and play without feeling inhibited by my own identity. It was my grand escape.
But the intensity of environmental stimulus amplified and after a few years in the city I felt like a mess.
I was doing yoga classes every morning, followed by a routine of cleansing in the ocean, my best attempts at meditation, and conscious stream journaling. Always looking inward. Healing. But still, I didn't understand what I was even trying to heal! I'd had such a beautiful, blessed life full of love and caring people, nothing remotely traumatic, yet I still felt all this pain inside and it confused me.
Then I met my teacher.
A mystic. The kindest, most open-hearted, giving and free embodiment of a human I've met. Someone who transcended suffering and now lives in the bliss of all it can truly mean to be sensitive.
It was THE BIGGEST RELEIF.
Finally, I was in contact with someone who actually knew what it meant to be alive. Someone who actually had answers to my plethora of questions about the seeming madness of the world. Answers that made sense! And within a short amount of time in the presence of his humble sharing of wisdom, the weight of pain and torment I carried for being 'different' began rapidly dissolving.
I began to understand my experience for what it was, and the truth was incredibly simple, yet a bit of a pain to wrap my mind around for it went against everything I'd been programmed to understand of the world.
But as the mind's defences dropped away, I began accepting that what I'd been feeling was simply the energy moving beneath all that exists in physical form. The substance from which all physical action and reaction is a product of.
The energy world.
And all the suffering was a product of being uninformed that that's what it was! To most Australian's - especially the older generations, the ones teaching us about the world - the energy world doesn't exist. It's brushed over. Ignored. Ridiculed. Taboo.
But to me, to live in ignorance of the very source of our existence, the source of our being is just that; A life of ignorance. A life I no longer wanted to participate in. I wanted to transcend beyond the limitations I'd been fed by uneducated people and explore the unknown, explore consciousness itself. Science has proven that all lifeforms on earth are mere compilations of energy, that the essence of all life itself is light, yet still it's widely ignored, and it became clear that for me, a life lived in ignorance of all the deeper truths of our existence is barely living at all.
For life beneath the surface of physical form is rich. As rich as all that's manifest, arising from all that's un-manifest. From the squillion specs of sand - each unique in its own cut, to the rocks, to the grass, to the ants, to the flowers, the petals, the pollen of the flowers. The tree trunks, the bark, the branches, leaves, moss, insects, dewdrops.. then step into a city and the micro amount of detail is equally as intricate.
For a world so extravagant, it makes sense there's an equally extravagant world of energy charging it.
Most of us are born with an innate sense for feeling it, even if raised in cultures that don't understand or acknowledge what it is. So it often gets supressed. Over time most people's '6th sense' is numbed by the over-stimulating demands and attention on the physical world. We forget.
We get consumed by the "world of ten thousand things", as it's been called by Masters who reside beyond it's endless temptations and distractions, that we forget what's beneath it. The roots of it all. Energy. Dust. Light. Weaved seamlessly together to create the illusion of form...
This was a vulnerable story to share. If it resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you. I always felt alone in my experience of the world, but the more sensitive's I meet, I'm realising we are many! And connecting with others has been so empowering and liberating :)
You can email me any time, connect on instagram or through my website contact form and subscribe if the content rings true!
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